


The Guide by James Ellison

by LisaDuncansTwin



Series: Reflections [1]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Episode Related: The Sentinel by Blair Sandburg, First Times, M/M, Written in 1999
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 03:14:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LisaDuncansTwin/pseuds/LisaDuncansTwin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim talks about his life and love for his guide after the dissertation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Guide by James Ellison

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written and betaed in 1999, left unaltered. Diana did the beta for me and did a great job. Any mistakes are mine, the bastards! Thank you for being my friend and for everything you do for me! :)

I knew from the moment he walked into that hospital room that he would play an important role in my life. What I didn't know was that he would become the center of my universe.

The ratty tennis shoes were only the first clue that he wasn't who he said he was. It was his voice and his eyes that held my attention though, and as long as he didn't stop looking at me or talking to me, I would've listened to anything he had to say. When he said he knew someone who could help me, I hoped he meant himself, but anybody, anything that would have helped, would have been welcome. 

It was him. The beautiful hair, mesmerizing eyes, teasing lips, great ass...yeah, it was him. And I did want to shove him up against the wall, not to threaten, but to take, possess, fuck. He pushed buttons in me that I didn't know I had. Something in him called to me, and I couldn't refuse it. Didn't want to. 

After he saved my life, I would have given him anything, and I guess I did. I gave him free reign. I needed help and he was it. It didn't hurt that he was easy on the eyes. In fact, he was easy on all my senses. He soothed me in a way nothing else did. 

After smelling the roses and lying about what I'd overheard, (can you blame me?) I took him to lunch. That was when I realized how smart he really was, and not just book smart. His sense of humor was compelling, and his laughter was full and rich. He made my head spin and sent my common sense right out the door. I just came right out and asked him if he was bisexual, and that stopped him in mid-sentence. He only hesitated for a second before he said he was and then threw the question back at me. I was caught, and glad for it. I said I was, and then before my courage could slink away, I told him I was attracted to him. Understanding what I meant, he stood, paid the bill and waited for me to catch up. 

His place was closest, and we made it there in record time. A warehouse of all things. That was the only thing I noticed before I lost my mind to his mouth on my bare skin. The thing I remember most about that afternoon is the way he screamed when I made him come, and the way it reverberated in the large space. I carried that sound with me for days, relishing it. 

He became an addiction, a need that couldn't be fulfilled. I couldn't get enough of him. We took each other at the loft, in his office, in both of our cars (which was a feat in and of itself). I learned what made him crazy and what made him insane. He drove me to the brink of madness and then pulled me back, releasing me from myself. I'd never known that kind of freedom before and didn't want to lose it, but I feared I would. 

We had never spoken of love or even feelings deeper than friendship, and I refused to be the one who broke the spell around us, so it was all left unsaid. But it was there. I felt it even if he didn't. I wanted more, knew I could give more, if only he would ask for it, but he didn't. 

Things came to a head, pardon the pun, when his warehouse blew up. He needed a place to stay, and looking into those sapphire blue eyes, I couldn't say no. I had to say no to something else instead. We couldn't live together, be partners at work and in his research, and also be lovers, there were too many variables. Our lives were already so complicated. It just seemed like the right thing to do, even though it hurt like hell. Blair took it in stride, he understood, and life when on. I tell you, the first night was the hardest, knowing he was there, remembering how he tasted, how he sounded. It took all my willpower not to walk down those stairs and take him again and again. But I couldn't. I was the one who made the rule, I had to keep it. 

The second hardest night was when I rescued him from Lash. That was the night I thought I was going to lose him forever; it was also the night that I realized I was in love with Blair. I was holding him, cradling him in my arms as he slept off the drugs in his system, and it hit me right between the eyes. How could I have been so blind? 

He recovered, I recovered, and we went on. I never said a word to him about my epiphany. I kept it tight inside my heart and hoped that one day I would be able to tell him. There were so many times when I could have, probably should have, but his work, his dissertation was always between us. 

I remember the night I realized he wasn't working on it anymore. He said that if he finished it, we wouldn't be able to work together anymore, and that was the last thing he wanted. I think it was then that I realized that he loved me too. Why I didn't pull over and take him in my arms, I don't know. I just knew that it wasn't time yet. 

The time came in the hospital after Blair nearly died. Did die. I got him back, and I wasn't gonna let him go again. I told him I loved him and that I would never leave him. Except he was unconscious at the time. I vowed to do whatever it took to get that damned dissertation out from between us, so that we could be together. I only hoped that he still loved me, wanted me, when all was said and done. 

I don't know when it was that Blair realized I was pushing him to finish the diss, but one day he called me on it. Just flat out asked me why I was pushing so hard. He even asked me if I wanted him out of my life. I ached to tell him the real reason, but settled for half truths. I told him that I didn't want it between us anymore, and that no, I didn't want him out of my life. That silenced him, and I knew he wanted to question me further, but I didn't give him the chance. There would be time for questions and answers later. 

I rarely underestimate people, but Naomi Sandburg never fails to surprise and shock the hell out of me. "The Sentinel." I saw it on the headline of the Cascade Times. She had good intentions, I understand where Blair got his from, but his brains and common sense must have come from his father. My life--our life was in turmoil. As much as I hated that the whole world knew who and what I was, I was glad the diss was done. Blair repeatedly apologized and tried to make it up to me, but I was more worried about him and how this would affect us. I think he knew that, and that's why he made the decision he made. 

He told the world that he was a fraud, that it was all a lie. He lost his career, his doctorate and his reputation, but he didn't lose me. He could never lose me. I stood beside him through all the hardships and heartaches, and I held his hand when he needed my strength. And after it was all over, and we were alone, I held him while he cried for everything that was lost to him. Everything he lost because of me. Because I am his Sentinel. His Sentinel. His. 

That brings us up to date. Blair's asleep in my arms here on the couch. I've been holding him since he fell asleep a few hours ago. I can't seem to let him go. When he wakes up, I'm gonna tell him that I love him. No more hiding. I want to be with Blair Sandburg for the rest of my life, and then some. 

I feel him move, shifting in my arms. His head lifts and his enormous blue eyes lock with mine. It's time. 

* * *


End file.
